Mind Your Manners!

It’s a common refrain as children age, and one especially likely to be directed at boys. Everything from slurping, chewing with an open mouth, interrupting parental conversations, or fighting with friends can earn the same response: Mind your manners!

Having good manners is an important part of life. Good manners are what keep casual (and sometimes not so casual) interactions from descending into chaos. As adults, having good manners is important to everything from enjoying a movie (who wants to hear a cell phone conversation in the middle of that gripping scene?) to waiting your turn at a traffic light. We’ve all rolled our eyes at the person having a loud, personal cell phone conversation in a restaurant, right? 

But good manners aren’t something you’re born with. They’re something you learn. For kids, this can be challenging. Why? Because when kids are young (toddler to school age), bad behavior can be funny. It’s hard to keep a straight face when your toddler does something outrageous. And since kids are natural attention seekers, a young child learns that the surest way to get attention and laughter is by repeating the behavior.

This seems to be extra-true for boys. While it’s not usually considered funny for girls to belch or fart in public, boys frequently earn laughter from adults and peers for such behavior, even as the adults are “reprimanding” them. Watch any TV program geared to boys, and a steady stream of inappropriate behavior is accompanied by a laugh track. The message is clear: rude behavior is cool.

Except, as children get older, what was “cute” or “funny” at age three is no longer the same at age eight. But if you’ve been laughing along and indulging such behavior, correcting that behavior becomes a challenge. How do you now teach “good” manners when the bad habits are so deeply ingrained?

It’s not easy, but it’s possible. The first, and probably most important step is to stop rewarding bad manners. That means, as hard as it is, not laughing or otherwise letting a child think poor manners are “funny” by any definition. The earlier you start, the better. That might mean gently, but firmly, correcting a toddler who displays poor manners, no matter how funny it might be (wait until you are alone to laugh). Older kids who have been getting away with such behavior for years might require a more serious response: loss of TV or video game time, for example. Don’t despair if you have to do this multiple times. Remember, you may be attempting to correct years of bad habits and that doesn’t happen overnight.

Resist the temptation to lecture. Nobody likes to be lectured, and kids will almost certainly tune you out after the third recitation of “When I was growing up.” Instead, explain why the behavior was inappropriate and why it’s important to act otherwise. If necessary, explain any negative consequences (e.g., loss of TV time). But keep those explanations simple and age-appropriate. A short, pointed message is more likely to be remembered than a lengthy lecture.

The flip side to this is praise. Kids are natural approval-seekers; so don’t be afraid to praise them for good manners. Again, it is not necessary to be excessive. If your kindergartener waits for you to finish your phone conversation, say “Thank you for being patient and letting me finish talking to Grandma.” Even older kids want to hear they’ve done well. Again, if you are correcting years of bad habits it might take a while, but don’t hesitate to praise good manners when you see them.

As always, be careful of your words. It might be tempting to say, “You eat like an animal” when your son chews with his mouth open, but that is probably not the best way to go about it. Words are incredibly powerful things, and kids are sensitive to undertones, even if they don’t understand them. Your child will sense the negativity in the accusation “you’re an animal” and is more likely to become sullen than correct his behavior. Instead of labeling, be firm and polite. “Please use your manners and chew with your mouth closed.”

Parents who see their children exhibit poor manners may conclude that they can’t ever take their kids in public because it would be too embarrassing or disruptive. But staying home may not be the answer. Give your child the opportunity to “show off” and please you by going out to the movies or to dinner. You don’t have to go to a five-star restaurant; a simple local place will do. Tap into your child’s natural desire to please. And when she does, compliment her. “It was so nice to see you using good manners at dinner.”

And perhaps most important – remember to exhibit good manners yourself. Kids are smart, and they will certainly see a disconnect if you tell them one thing and do the opposite yourself. That includes everything from table manners, to not interrupting, to perhaps one of the hardest things for adults – putting down the cell phone to focus on people (perhaps institute a “cell phone free” time at home, or place phones in a basket when guests are over).

Be consistent, and someday you may be the parent who is told, “Your children have such beautiful manners.”

Photo courtesy of sean drellinger, used under Creative Commons

Oakmont Martial Arts is licensed by the American Taekwondo Association, the premier North American organization dedicated to the martial arts discipline of taekwondo. They offer training for young children (Tiny Tigers, 3-5), youth (6-13), teens and adults, as well as adult fitness classes. Visit www.OakmontMartialArts.com or their Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ataOakmont) for more information, or call 412-826-8004 to schedule an introductory lesson.

A software technical writer by day, Mary Sutton is the mother of two teens and has been making her living with words for over ten years. She is the author of the Hero’s Sword middle-grade fantasy series, writing as M.E. Sutton, and The Laurel Highlands Mysteries police-procedural series, writing as Liz Milliron. Visit her online at www.marysuttonauthor.com.