Self-Reliance: Managing Life on Your Own

When we first have children, parents know there are going to be a lot of years of service. After all, infants can’t change their own diapers. Toddlers can’t immediately tie their own shoes. And small children and stoves are rarely a good combination.

But at what point is it reasonable to expect kids to start stepping up and doing for themselves? No mistake, this ability – self-reliance, or the knowledge that you can do it for yourself – is important. We grow, we get married, we have kids of our own. And to be successful, we need to manage our own lives, trust our judgment and make our own choices. The rise of so-called “helicopter parenting,” where parents hover continuously over children taking care of every little thing, has serious consequences that are often not felt or seen until these children become adults. A failure to develop reliance on self has led to a mini-crisis of the post-college crowd, leading some psychologists to quip that “30 is the new 18.”

But how to you encourage your child’s self-reliance without making her feel as though she has been left to completely fend for herself? As with anything else, there are strategies to follow – and it’s best to start small.

1.     Organize, organize, organize. Raise your hand if you’ve heard this: “Mom, where are my shoes? Dad, have you seen my cell phone? I need science book to complete my project; where’s my backpack?” Families are often so busy, that it becomes habitual to sling things in all directions, hastily emptying hands to be able to take on the next task. The problem is those cast-off items are rarely never needed again. The soccer cleats thrown in the corner will be needed for the next game, or next practice. One way to combat this helter-skelter approach is to develop organizational habits. Establish a shelf for holding keys or cell phones when not in use. Assign each family member a hook in the closet where coats can be hung, and provide a standard space to store backpacks. Before beginning projects, establish a checklist to complete to prevent last minute “forgotten” items: pencils, papers, books, tools, and so forth. Taking a few minutes to establish a routine, and sticking with it long enough to make organization a habit, will be invaluable when kids no longer have the option of “checking with Mom or Dad” to find needed items.

2.     Establish sub-tasks: Face it, giant projects are intimidating to anyone. This can be especially true for children. That science project that requires a storyboard, written essay, and model due in January can look impossible when it’s assigned in October. But almost no project needs to be tackled in its entirety. Help your children learn to self-manage by breaking large tasks into smaller ones. For example, write a different part of the essay (the introduction, the conclusion) each week. When that’s finished, develop a timeline to complete the model, and then the storyboard. Large tasks are almost always less intimidating, and more easily managed by the child, when they are broken down. Establishing these kinds of habits can prevent your child’s project in October from becoming your headache in January.

3.     Time’s up. A child’s life is filled with distractions: TV, video games, computer time, going outside to play basketball. All these things, many of which are more pleasurable than the task at hand, get in the way of finishing required tasks. Sure, you could constantly remind your kids “work before play,” but that is going to become unpleasant for both of you. Plus, if your child doesn’t learn to manage his own time, the first time he’s left on his own (maybe while you and your spouse go out for a well-deserved dinner), he’ll likely become distracted and fail to accomplish what needs to be done. If your child is easily distracted, set a timer to help him focus. The amount of time is variable and doesn’t really matter, but this technique can help him learn to work on his own and manage his time. After the timer goes off, take some time to stretch, get a snack, a drink, or go play for a bit. Then reset the timer for the next task (the timer can also be used to manage the length of the break time).

4.     Use household chores. No kid likes chores. After all, taking out the garbage after dinner isn’t nearly as pleasurable as playing with a favorite toy. But chores do more than just relieve parents of the burden of doing everything. They encourage responsibility and independence in kids. Look, I can do that myself! By doing chores, a child learns that other people are relying on her to get things done. When she is successful, there is a huge feeling of accomplishment, which leads to increased self-reliance. It is important to structure chores to the ability level of the child. It’s unrealistic to expect a five-year old to be able to do the same chores as a twelve-year old. But there are many resources on the Internet for age-appropriate chores if you need some guidance.

Taking steps to cultivate a sense of independence when children are young will pay off big in the future. Not only will parents not spend hours attending to every last detail of their child’s life, they will reap the benefit and pride of seeing kids who can proudly say, “Hey Mom, look what I can do – all by myself!”

Oakmont Martial Arts is licensed by the American Taekwondo Association, the premier North American organization dedicated to the martial arts discipline of taekwondo. They offer training for young children (Tiny Tigers, 3-5), youth (6-13), teens and adults, as well as adult fitness classes. Visit www.OakmontMartialArts.com or their Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ataOakmont) for more information, or call 412-826-8004 to schedule an introductory lesson.

A software technical writer by day, Mary Sutton is the mother of two teens and has been making her living with words for over ten years. She is the author of the Hero’s Sword middle-grade fantasy series, writing as M.E. Sutton, and The Laurel Highlands Mysteries police-procedural series, writing as Liz Milliron. Visit her online at www.marysuttonauthor.com.