Community

"Life is hard." That is something I have heard from my father for my entire life. Any time we would complain about something, that was his reply. No, he is not cold or indifferent. He is simply wise. He knew that we needed to learn that lesson early in order to be strong, self-sufficient and successful people. I now tell my girls the same thing. Life is hard. It's not that it is impossible, but it is hard. Anything worth doing is going to be hard. (I've also been known to say, "Suck it up, Sister!") I wanted my girls to understand, too, that life is not fair. As soon as they learned that, it made my life easier. I don't have to listen to, "It's not faaaaaaaaaaaaair!!!" over and over when life hands them some injustice. They know better. So, why am I talking about life being hard and unfair? Because I have been thinking about a phenomenon that can sometimes make life a little easier. What is that thing? That thing is being part of a community. My girls and I go to church. We attend mass at St. Thomas Episcopal Church in Oakmont. It is a lovely old church filled with amazing people. We are not a community of perfect Christians. We are a community of loving and supportive people who stand by each other when things are tough. We pray for one another. We rejoice together and we mourn together. Honestly, it is because of this community that my life is a bit easier. I know they will be there for me when things get tough. And I know that they will support me in my faith journey. Even as I question and sometimes roar against God, they stand there... loving me. I also have an online community of friends. Most of that, for me, is on Facebook. I do have a Twitter account and Instagram, but they are both linked to Facebook. That community, comprised of my 673 friends (that's the number today, but is always subject to change), has evolved over the years. Sometimes I find someone in my online community to be less than positive. If they are not lifting me up, they gotta go! This usually means every couple months I purge my friends list. I think it helps to keep it a healthy, positive place for me to be. Now I have to talk about the other side of communities... Yes, there is a bad side. Sometimes, our communities are not good for us. They do not lift us up and they do not have our best interests at heart. Allow me to explain. First, I want to talk about the youth I work with. They spend the majority of their time (when not in class) within a particular community. And within that community, most of the people are in the same boat. This means they are surrounded by people who live in poverty, who are single parents (or were raised by single parents), who have limited resources, who have no concept of life outside of their community and who often have very little hope. From such a community, there is not a lot of uplifting. There is not a lot of working together. There are attitudes of fighting, unrest and violence. I see it when the youth come in to class and carry with them so much hurt and heartache. They are not surrounded by a community that could heal their hearts. The light within many of these communities is often found within the churches there. I am encouraged that there are groups of people who do seek to improve things for the youth. I am overjoyed, at times, by the generosity of those individuals, serving as a community, who give so much of themselves in hopes of affecting change. Food pantries, clothes closets, shelters and even programs like ours are all bright spots in otherwise broken communities. (Remember, I said it was hard... but not hopeless!) Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that toxicity is not limited to poverty. This might step on some toes, but let me talk about the school district that my children attend. I grew up going to the very same schools in the same community. There are many, many people within our community who also grew up there. Because of this, and because of the size of the community, it can be a hotbed for one of the most toxic aspects of community: GOSSIP. Of course, there is a huge difference between facts and gossip. If my child behaves in a manner that is disrespectful or dangerous, I want to know. That is a fact and it could affect her. However, if someone 'hears' that one of my children's friends might or might not have done something questionable, that is not a fact. That is a rumor and I don't have time for that. Take this a step further... the schools. Riverview School District has a whopping THREE school buildings. There is a K-6 Elementary School in Verona, a K-6 Elementary School in Oakmont and a 7-12 Jr/Sr High in Oakmont. That's it. The whole district is comprised of fewer than 1,200 students. My daughter has about 60 kids in her grade.... her whole grade! That means if you send your child there, odds are good he/she will get every teacher in the building. This also means that parents often have very strong opinions on the teachers. And consequently, you can often find groups of parents standing outside 10th Street Elementary, 'discussing' the teachers. So, are those conversations facts or gossip??? Your child doesn't like her teacher? Okay, yes... that is a fact. You proclaim that teacher is not fit to be around kids? Um, that is an opinion and the root of some seriously vicious gossip. Your son's teacher misses school all the time? Yup... it's a fact. That can be substantiated by school records. You think he has a drinking problem? Rumor! Gossip! Stop saying that RIGHT NOW. Last December, I attended a party at a friend's house. Mostly in attendance were parents from our little community. One mom railed against one of the elementary school teachers. She proclaimed loudly how much she hated her. The mom said that teacher HATES BOYS and had made her son miserable. Hmmm.... I found this little voice coming out of me that said, "Well, she was amazing with my daughters. They would often tell me how she was strict with the boys who were mis-behaving or who tried to pick on them." Facts? Opinions? All of this is just to say that I think we need to be careful of our communities. The youth in our program cannot change their home communities, so we try to provide a safe and positive one for their school days. I cannot change the moms in my home community. But maybe if they each took a step back and thought about how their words might not necessarily be fact... maybe that would make our community a bit more uplifting. And finally, I just hope you each have a community that can be a positive and encouraging place for you to grow and thrive. Even if that is just your online community. If you have to go through and purge some Debbie Downers, it's okay. Protect your heart, dear friends. Please. Life really is hard. Don't make it harder by surrounding yourselves by those who pull you down.